You’re in a happy
relationship. You communicate well, you say you love each other, and happily
say you are committed to each other for life. I want to test that commitment
with one question:
What will you do when it
is no longer in your best interest to stay?
What will you do when she
gets postnatal anxiety and depression and suddenly becomes a howling banshee?
What will you do when he is getting harassed at work and takes to the drink?
What will you do when she can’t cope with the knowledge that you will never
have kids, and spends hours staring blankly at a brick wall? And when he no
longer switches out of work mode, even on vacation? And when she is constantly
tired and is never interested in any sort of intimacy? What about when you snap
at each other all the time, and you have just met this fantastic new guy at
work who brings out the best in you, and makes you want to be the best you can
be?
What will you do when it is no longer in your
best interest to stay?
“At some point, you’ve
got to do what’s best for you”
I was recently talking to
someone about relationships, and this person said to me “I want to be there
because I want to be, I don’t want to feel trapped”. This sentence has really
concerned and bothered me. At its centre, this phrase expresses this person’s
desire to hold onto that safety option “At some point you’ve got to do what’s
best for you”.
Well, you can hold onto
that option if you like, but I caution you that if you do, you have not found,
and will not find true love.
In our society we worry
that duty will cheapen a relationship. That it isn’t really love if you are
compelled to do it. We express it in meaningful sounding phrases like “We are
going through the motions but the love isn’t there anymore”
I would argue that duty
does the exact opposite. It deepens
the relationship. True love wants to make itself permanent. True love fills you
with a deep desire to make a solid, indelible oath, a promise. Love makes you
want to vow “My wellbeing is no longer my concern, here on in I shall do
everything in YOUR best interest”
If this isn’t the case for you, I would argue that you aren’t really seeking love after all: you are seeking a mutually beneficial partnership, the most efficient way to secure your own happiness and betterment. That is not love, it is fundamentally individualism, selfishness.
As an aside, this “your
best interest” principle is exactly why you should never stay in an abusive
situation. It is never in your partner’s best interest to let them abuse you,
because it keeps them sick on the inside. Beating you might make them feel good
on the surface, but underneath they are becoming a rotten cesspool of hate and
selfishness. The best way to love them is to leave them/report them: hopefully
that will shake them out of their horrid pattern of behaviour and they will
seek professional help.
The measure of your love
is not how well you can make it work. It is how much you are willing to
sacrifice in order to achieve the best for the other person. True love keeps on giving long after the pain
starts, long after the feelings wane, long after the point where you have lost
everything.
So you can settle for
your nice romantic feelings, and the relationship that brings out the best in
you both, but if it just stops there, and you aren’t willing to tie yourself to
a promise, then you will never have experienced love, and chances are it won’t
last. You will simply have used a person and let them use you in return.
